Final Opinion: Didn't bother finishing. That speaks for itself. 4/10. (2 points for grammar, and 2 points because sadly enough, this still isn't worse than the other angsty teenage crap that I've ever had the misfortune of reading.)
I wasn't going to do a post on Twilight because that has already been done a hundred times over. But then, I realized that this blog needs more posts. Also, who doesn't love having a bit of fun at Twilight's expense?
Anyhow, I first noticed this book with the delicious-looking apple on its cover popping up in bookstores many years ago. Without bothering to check what it was about, I naively decided that it must be a phenomenal book because it is so darn popular. What I failed to realize was that it was popular among a very specific age group: pre-teen girls and middle-aged women. And as Robert Pattison himself so eloquently put it (and I paraphrase): Twilight is Stephanie Meyer's wet dream.
I cracked open the book and began reading at my local Border's. As I read, I began to get the foreboding feeling that this book was crap. My fears were quickly confirmed, but I forced myself to power through because I still held onto the misguided hope that the book would get better. It didn't. An hour later, when I realized that I still had left several hundred pages of some older woman's lurid sex fantasy about a teenage boy, I felt the life force draining from me as though a dementor, nay, vampire, were sucking out my very soul, and I had to put the book down in the interest of my own survival. I stopped at the really suspenseful moment where Bella is accosted by several hoodlums and is about to be gang-raped. I didn't bother to read on because one, I knew Edward Cullen would come, and two, I didn't give a shit and wanted to end my misery as soon as possible.
Anyway, I'll keep this short and list some random points that I can remember about this book:
1. Bella is the most annoying character ever. She is strikingly one-dimensional and exhibits a limited range of emotions and personality traits, other than an endearing (not really) sort of clumsiness and a constant need to be protected and rescued.
2. Bella, for no reason whatsoever, is suddenly popular among all the males at her high school, which is what puts this book in the fantasy genre. This also means that as a female, I automatically hate her guts so if you're a fan of Twilight, you can probably write off this book review as the rants of an insanely jealous female.
3. Edward Cullen is a 100-year old virgin! His film would trounce Steve Carell's.
4. Edward Cullen also sucks as a character. He is basically characterized by his godly hotness and gives no reason for falling in love with Bella other than the fact that she smells delicious. He is also a major creeper and super possessive, which are traits that abusive boyfriends share.
5. This book ruined Clair de Lune for me. Debussy rolled in his grave.
6. Bella and Edward fall passionately in love from the get-go, so their relationship isn't well-developed. In fact, it's shallow and grates on my nerves and their cheesy lines make me puke.
7. Edward and Bella's angstiness make me want to slap them both.
8. Blah blah blah this books sucks I'm tired I don't want to write anymore.
I'm not the type of person that leaves things half-assed, but I'll make an exception for this book because it is so ridiculous. I watched the film because I thought I would get a good laugh out of it, but it is really awkward and made me extremely uncomfortable instead. On the other hand, I can see why silly young girls and lonely middle-aged woman would like this book. It is about unconditional love from an extremely handsome and perfect guy toward a mediocre young girl. I commend Stephanie Meyer for being able to channel her teenage frustrations and bitterness into writing. She's making a lot of money now, so I suppose it's a sort of slap in the face to all the girls who picked on her in high school and the hot guys who ignored her. All I can say is, unless you are a teenage girl or a woman in the throes of your mid-life crises, don't bother reading this, not even for laughs.
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